I’ll rant. I’ll vent. I’ll babble.

You’ve been warned.

My first post here was all about the damned thing called procrastination. I’m going to talk about that again. Are you getting tired of it yet?

Procrastination is like an addiction. Not like I’ve ever been addicted to something illegal, it’s just that procrastination is that something I turn to when the going gets tough. When I want to escape reality, when I don’t want to think or feel anything, when I don’t want my fears to creep up on me or my ghosts to catch up on me, I procrastinate. I lack the will to not succumb to that fleeting reality.

There are days when, no matter how many times I try to motivate myself, I just can’t seem to find the energy to move, much less finish stuff. I’ll say, “I’m tired” or “I’m sleepy” or “I’ve giving it my all the entire week can’t a girl take her rest day?”. Yet under the layers of excuses lie a single, undeniable truth: I’m a coward. I’m nothing but a coward who refuses to acknowledge reality as it is. I’m a scaredy cat who plays the pretentious human being.

I’m scared of the hardwork ahead. I’m scared of getting hurt and disappointed in the process. I’m scared of myself. I’m scared of everything else. Nobody informed me that “adulting” is such a dark and heavy burden.

Sometimes I think of giving up fighting the current and just go along the flow. That is a safe choice. And hey, what if this is where I should really be? Shouldn’t I go upstream, swimming in the river that I’m in now rather than conquering the ocean I longed for? But then again, what if that ocean IS the safe choice? That by choosing it, I’m choosing the safe route and avoiding my real rocky road? When to let go or try harder?

Then I think of all the things that I want to achieve, to have, to see, and to experience. I think of all the good things that are waiting for me. Should I really stop now? At this point?? With all the things that I don’t have??? No. I’m not stopping at this point. There’s no point in stopping now. If I give up now, it’s as if pronouncing my early death, I’m already killing the life I suppose to have.

For now, I’ll live with this questions in my head and try to find my life with them.

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