Ganda Problems

Quick fact: I’m pretty/good-looking… or so people say.

I disagree though.

(Ganda means beauty for those non-native of my language.)

Not so long ago, when I was still a teen, I envied girls who were prettier and more popular; the type of girls who hogged the guys’s attention. I secretly wished I looked better than I was.

Looking back, it was stupid and shallow. But I have my insecurities that time. I was deluded that looks, intelligence, and popularity mattered. I may be at the top of the class but I was not entirely happy. Like, someday, somehow, I hoped people would notice me. I was pathetic like that.

Fast forward to now, I learned how to put on a makeup, present myself properly, etc etc. People started calling me pretty, some turned their heads when I passed by, and so on and on. It was flattering, I tell you. But it was sickening too. Let me tell you why.

  1. Having a good face attracts perverts – For some reason, I attract pervs since my high school days or even from way back. Sometimes I wonder if I look that gullible to them? Seriously? It doesn’t change now that I am working. From simple stares to downright disgusting date invites, I get them all. Okay so by now you’ll probably be thinking, “You’re such a big feeler”. I could just ignore them. In fact, that’s what I always do. But it’s tiring and I find it disrespectful. Actually, it’s scary. I used to adopt a really grumpy look before (I don’t remember when did I soften my features) just to appear like a snob to turn those pervs away. I’m always on guard. I don’t feel secure anywhere as though the world would turn against me if I don’t watch it closely.
  2. You have to prove yourself that you are more than just a pretty face. – I tend to attract unnecessary attention. When at school or work, I’d have to prove that I’m not just another pretty face with no brain or a big klutz. I don’t want people saying, “Ah she’s just pretty. Nothing more, nothing less.” I want those people to know that I’m more than just my face which brings me to my next point…
  3. It feels like people like my face and not ‘me’. – Sometimes I wonder if people see past my face, if they take a closer look at the person owning it. Will they still like me if I look different?
  4. I don’t really like attention. – So the reason I wished I am prettier is that I could hog the attention of people too. But I am dead wrong. I’ve realized that I don’t need people’s confirmation of my beauty. What I need is self-confidence and self-respect.

I probably won’t date someone who’ll tell me I’m the prettiest person he’d ever seen. I’d date someone who’ll tell me how lazy and a no-good person I am but still wants to be with me despite all of that. Besides, I don’t want to be called pretty. Pretty sounds half-ass and insincere to me. It’s like people takes me at a face value. I want to be someone who embodies beauty inside and out because that is something truly beautiful and wonderful.

Instead of being pretty, I’d rather be wise and intelligent. Brain is a nifty thing. ❤

Photo from Google Image

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